Dear Diary; Ban the Long Mach!

Long macchiatos are stupid. There, I said it.

What is a Long Mach? Good question! Ask five people and you will likely get five different answers. Why? Well, because there is no such thing. A long mach is an invention of some clown who wanted a cool sounding drink but was too much of a wuss to drink a regular macchiato, then, like a game of Chinese whispers, it got passed around and changed and now it has gotten way out of hand. I wrote about this topic back in 2007 on my other blog but the problem is still here four years later!

Now my boss Alex has agreed that it has to go and we are  planning to start a “Ban the Long Mach” campaign to convert all long mach drinkers to what they really want. All versions of Long Macchiatos are really a variation of another coffee, let me explain.

Long Mach A or “Traditional” Long Mach – double shot espresso with a dash of foam is really a double shot macchiato

Long Mach B – double shot espresso topped up with milk small glass is a double shot piccolo latte

Long Mach C – double shot espresso topped up with milk tall glass is a double shot latte

Long Mach D – double shot espresso topped with hot water with a dash of foam is a  long black with a dash of foam

Long Mach E – double shot espresso topped with hot water and then topped with milk is a double shot latte 3/4 hot water. 

Do you understand the problem now? The problem isn’t making any of these coffees. Physically making a long mach is not hard, we get way more annoying coffees all the time. The problem is that every time someone asks for a “long mach” we have to figure out which of these five versions (and there are probably other ones too) they actually want and people generally get annoyed that we can’t instantly read their mind regarding their pretend coffee. One customer sent one back that I made saying that “it’s not like the one I have at Dome” – I secretly took that as a compliment…

How do you feel about Long Macchiatos? Take the poll!

Do you work in a cafe? What other versions have you seen? What coffee do you hate?? Leave it in the comments!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Dear Diary: Vegan Update

Just in case anyone was wondering what happened with our vegan friend. As much as I was kinda annoyed at the  question, I am not the devil and I did want to help out.

I let her know I’d ask and see what I could do but until then her best bet was to keep adapting what we have. She replied saying thanks and told me that last time she was in the only thing suggested to her was “the big breakfast without meat or dairy” which obviously left basically nothing. I was annoyed that whoever spoke to her that day didn’t put a little more thought into it, there are loads of breakfast items on our menu that can be altered to suit vegans. So I gave her a list of breakfast suggestions. She hasn’t replied but hopefully it helped!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

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Dear Diary – Vegans are sometimes lovely. Sometimes annoying.

Dear Diary – Vegans are sometimes lovely. Sometimes annoying.

There is this woman who has been coming into work lately who has ‘just turned’ vegan. Today I went onto our Facebook page which I moderate and there was a wall post from her asking if we could please consider putting a vegan option on the breakfast menu “and not just *menu item* without the eggs”.

I guess it is an innocent question but it really annoyed me. A vegan diet wipes out a good majority of popular breakfast foods and making an entire breakfast option vegan will be awesome…for about three people. Veganism is a choice. Whether you make the choice because of morals or weight or just because you feel like it, is irrelevant. It is a choice all the same and if you are choosing to have an incredibly annoying food preference then you should accept the fact you will have trouble finding whole menu items that cater to your needs. You will often have to get things without certain ingredients, you will have to adapt menu items to suit you, it is annoying but so is your diet that nobody is forcing you to follow.

We have recently upgraded a few recipes to make them gluten free. Gluten intolerance or coeliac disease is a real condition that sufferers do not have a choice in and I am sure that if you asked anyone suffering from gluten intolerance they would wish they did not have the problem. Veganism? Not a disease so I have little sympathy.

On the flip-side to needy vegans, most vegans who come in are extremely appreciative that we will alter any menu item to suit their diet. We remove meat and eggs, cook things in oil instead of butter, add extra vegetables. We have no problem, at all, catering for vegans. We just don’t have and probably will not ever have specific vegan meals.

Thanks

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Dear Diary: Some customers are revolting

Last week I was clearing a table, there were two used tissues sitting on it. They were covered in spots of blood. Customers thought it would be nice to leave them for me to clean up. They didn’t even put it on a plate, they just left it on the table so I would have to touch them.

Isn’t that nice?

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Dear Diary: Why are your newspapers so messy?

Last Sunday a customer approached my workmate Kirsty and asked,

uh…why are your newspapers so messy??

Old man, wherever you are, it’s because of this…

Apparently he skipped the article about cleaning up after yourself

That, my friends, is both parts of The West Australian, one with its cover pulled off and all the various newspaper magazines removed. The Weekend Australian, divided into its eight million sections and haphazardly slapped in a pile, plus two gossip magazines. Lovely! My favourite part about this incident though is that this table is directly in front of the magazine and newspaper rack, a mere one metre distance between them!

You could be excused for thinking this is just a once off. That this doesn’t happen all the time, but you would be wrong because things like this are an everyday occurrence at the cafe, on Sunday we get about eight copies of  The Sunday Times and if we have one copy still in one piece at the end of the day with all its sections intact, we consider it a ‘good day’. It rarely happens!

And that is why our newspapers are always so messy.

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Related posts: Dear Diary: Put your goddamn newspaper away

Dear Diary: Sending food back. Yay or Nay?

Chrissy Teigan is a swimsuit model who LOVES food, she is also  on Twitter and is hilarious so please follow her if you have Twitter.  She recently started a blog called So Delushious ! and it is well worth a read. A while back she wrote this post about sending food back in restaurants.

I found it interesting that Chrissy and many of the commenters would rather put up with crappy food than send it back and get a new meal. As a waitress, I encourage people to send back food if there is genuinely something wrong with it. If it is over or under cooked. If it is different to what the menu stated. If you asked for no ‘A’ and it comes out with ‘A’. Or if it just generally badly made, soggy, tasteless, bitter etc. If you point out a genuine problem with a meal, most waitstaff will recognise it and will have no problem taking it back to the kitchen, good chefs don’t mind refiring food when they see they have made a mistake. Good chefs are passionate and would be embarrassed about sending out something bad. You can bet your new meal will be cooked to perfection.

Of course you must notice I said good chefs, I have worked with one chef in particular who thought he was the best chef on Earth and who would make an excuse every time a meal was sent back. It was never “his fault”, it was always “well you must have taken it to the wrong table” or “that’s not what the docket said” or “I went to school with that guy and he just hates me” <—-seriously.  He was one of the worst chefs I have ever worked with both skill wise and personality wise. In saying that though he never did anything dirty or revolting to anyone’s food who complained and I have never worked with any chef who did exact any form of  ‘revenge’ on customers. So I think horror stories like that are exaggerated and/or few and far between.

So genuine problem? Send it back. Do not, however, send a meal back if it is cooked properly but you don’t really like it. I mean, it is cooked exactly how it should be, there is nothing inherently wrong with it, it is just not to your taste. It is not our problem if you chose badly for your taste. It would be like me deciding I want to give brains a go, (I cannot stand brains, it freaks me out and I hate the texture) getting my meal, deciding I don’t like it, then asking for a free replacement. That is just silly, restaurants are not “try before you buy”.

If you do decide to send something back the most important thing is to not be a jerk about it. As I mentioned, wait staff and chefs are likely to be embarrassed and happy to fix any genuine problems. Being a jerk about it only makes things worse. Be clear about what the problem is and what you would like done about it. For example, “excuse me, I ordered my steak med-rare and this steak is medium, may I have a new one made? Thanks” or “hi, I my salad seems to be missing the dressing? May I please have some? Thanks” or “excuse me, I ordered my fish grilled but it came out battered, I am in a hurry and I don’t have time to wait for a new one so I will eat it but I don’t want to pay full price for this”. Three extremely reasonable complaints that should get the required result and will maintain friendly relations with the wait staff. Please please do not eat your entire meal and then complain because, well, you ate the evidence and it will come across as if you are just trying to get a free feed.

Happy dining!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Do you send food back?

Have you worked in a venue that didn’t take send backs very professionally?

Put your stories in the comments!

Dear Diary: Opinions please!

I read this article over on WAtoday last week and I would like your opinions on it please.

Me? I thought it was the stupidest thing I have ever read (exaggeration for effect). Really? Oh how dare we stop serving breakfast at 11.30am and not let you ignore the menu and order whatever the hell you want. What horrible oppressive folk we are!

*warning mini rant ahead*

While I am on the subject of breakfast let me tell you something that annoys me greatly. If the menu says “poached eggs with tomato, toast and bacon” and you say to me “I’ll have two poached eggs and bacon” whilst pointing to said menu item, I will assume you mean two serves of the meal, not two actual eggs. You don’t dictate how many eggs you get. The menu does. That is why it says “eggs” and not “egg”. If you are confused you can try saying “how many eggs do you get?”. Are we clear? Wonderful!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Dear Diary: What I expect when I dine out

“When you go out to a restaurant, are you like, really critical or everything? Do you make things hard for them or are you extra nice because you know what it’s like?”

I get this question a lot, I imagine that everyone who works in hospitality gets asked it by their non-hospitality friends and family. It is interesting to hear peoples answers. Steven, for one, says that he is just grateful that someone else is cooking the food for him instead of the other way around. Most people assume that I would be really scary to serve because I am such a total bitch somewhat opinionated.

Service is incredibly important to the success of a restaurant. You can have amazing food but if the service is bad then there will be a large percentage of people who will choose not to return for a second try. If they do decide “maybe it was just a bad night”and get terrible service again, you can probably kiss their business goodbye. I would go as far to say that you can get away with average food and amazing service much easier.

On Arrival
When I go out to a restaurant, while I don’t want to say that I am critical, I am however, a very observant customer. The first thing I do when I go to a restaurant, before I have even been seated, is look around at all the other tables, see how many people there are, how many large tables are around, and see what stage of their meals they are up to. I also look at how many wait staff are working on the floor and behind the bar. This gives me an idea on how long I will be expecting to wait to be served and for drinks and food to arrive. This is something I wish everyone did. There have been so many times I have been working in various venues where it has been obviously crazy busy yet some customers (usually the ones who have ordered well done steaks*) complain loudly about how long things are taking. It is important to realise that restaurants are not fast food diners and cannot deliver food and drinks immediately. If I go out and my food takes less than 15 minutes to get to me, that concerns me more than it taking an hour.

The next thing I look at happens when we get to the table, I check that the cutlery and glasses are all clean. If you can’t be bothered polishing a knife properly then I immediately begin to wonder what else they can’t be bothered doing properly.

The Waitstaff
My waiter should be tidy and clean. I do not care if they have tattoos and piercings (I have them), but they have to be clean. Nobody wants to see a crusty lip ring let alone be served food by someone who has one. They should be friendly with a sense of humour and be able to read the table. Part of being a kick arse waiter is the ability to read customers. I do not mind if my waiter reaches across me, accidentally spills a little bit of my drink, but please do not have an attitude. The only time I get an attitude with a waiter, is when they have one with me first.

Ordering
After being seated I expect menus and water within five minutes of sitting down. I don’t care if it then takes another ten minutes for a waiter to come back to offer first drinks. Seating a table without water and menus is asking for trouble. They can get away with either just water or just menus if it is super busy and your waiter is friendly and apologetic. I expect a drink order within 10 minutes after that, 15 minutes if it is busy. It shouldn’t take longer than 5 minutes for our drinks to hit the table unless it is coffee or cocktails, give them 10 minutes max.

I take a ridiculously long time to decide what I want to eat. I am useless and I ask questions. Genuine questions, usually about where things come from (especially with seafood) and what things are. My waiter should know the answers to my questions and if they don’t know them, they should go find out. Our orders should be taken within 15 minutes of our drink order.

So basically after being in a restaurant for half an hour I would want to have water, drinks and have my food order taken. Pretty reasonable. If the restaurant is super busy give it 45 but any more than that is not good. If a restaurant cannot deliver that level of service then they should not allow themselves to get that busy. It is a lot better to turn away walk ins and give the customers they have got better service than to take in as many customers as they can and give bad service. This is an aspect that one of my old employers failed spectacularly at.

Food and After Sale Service
Food should take between 15 to 30 minutes to arrive at the table. Everyone at the table should get there food within a few minutes of each other. Food should be as described on the menu and it should be cooked as we requested it. After 5ish minutes our waiter should come back and quality check the meals <—so important and it is not done often enough or it’s done too late!! If there is a problem with the food the waiter should handle it professionally. They should organise a replacement if required or a discount or removal of item from the bill. Problem handling is a huge subject that requires it’s own post. it is an issue which both wait staff and customers make mistakes in all the time.

We should never sit at our table with an empty drink glass for more than a few minutes without being asked for another drink. One of my pet hates is when you are eating your meal but your drink is empty and your waiter is nowhere to be seen. If you do not want another drink, your waiter should take away your empty glass to prevent other waiters asking you the same question.

I dislike it when waiters start clearing plates off your table when someone is still eating, it is ok to do this only if the customer gives the waiter their plate. They should still leave everyone else’s plates till every person at the table has finished. I also hate waiters who stack plates on the table. This is just my training showing through, I was always taught to stack in your arms not on the table and even now working in a café I cannot stack on the table.

Desserts and Coffees
Dessert menus should be offered after all dinner plates are clear. Coffees, ports, dessert wines at the same time. They should all arrive within 15 minutes. Smart waiters get your coffee out faster so maybe you will need to order another one when your dessert arrives. Clever devils.

Paying and Leaving
I hate split billing so I never assume that restaurants will let you split bill, however, it is nice if you are allowed to split the balance on two cards, or pay part cash/part card. If a restaurant doesn’t allow this, it is no problem at all to me.

Home time and it is always nice to receive a “good bye, thank you, have a lovely day/afternoon/night” which the customer should reciprocate.

Written out like this, it sounds like I expect a lot! To simplify, all I have really said is, clean cutlery and glasses, tidy, friendly, professional waiter, food as described, cooked properly and timely service = happy Carrie. I don’t enjoy the pomp and wank that some restaurants have. I don’t want to be served by a droid with no personality. I want it to feel like I am a friend’s house, not at the Queen’s house!

Now it is your turn. What do you expect when you go out? Am I over the top and anal? Did you expect more? What do you hate when you go out?

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

*well done steaks take a long time to cook. I generally tell people about half an hour. For some reason, some well done steak eaters do not understand this concept and often are crying for their steak after 10 minutes.

Dear Diary – Poll Time!

Have you ever been at a cafè or restaurant, been served a drink, then 5 minutes later a fly buzzes right into your beverage?

Flies are part and parcel of living in Australia. They are something that are always around and you can’t do a whole lot about other than killing every one with fly spray or closing every door and window. Neither method is 100% successful, there will always be a rouge fly!

Over the weekend a guy came in for breakfast and ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice. We took it over then about 5-10 minutes later one of my workmates bought the juice back to the bar because it had a fly in it. The fly flew in sometime after being dropped at the table. My workmate wanted to make him another juice. I didn’t think we should because, yeah, flies are gross but it’s not exactly our problem if you don’t shoo them away from your drink. My argument was that if a fly landed on your piece of bacon would you expect us to recook your entire breakfast? Co-worker already promised the customer a new drink and I am not really in a position to tell people what they can and can’t do so I dropped the subject.

However, I am curious…what would you expect? Please take the poll!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Dear Diary – je ne comprends pas

I will never ever really understand the mindset of people who go to a café and order and sandwich and then complain about how expensive their sandwich was. In fact, I think people who buy sandwiches from cafés are insane. I am not talking about fancy sandwiches here, I am talking your basic protein plus salad sandwich. We charge $8 for that. Then it is an extra $1 for each additional item. It.is.expensive. There is one excellent way to avoid this crazy over charging of sandwiches. Are you ready to hear it?

GO TO COLES AND BUY THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN SANDWICH!

That is the thought that crosses my mind every time someone complains about there costly ham and salad sanga. I don’t really mean it in a nasty way, I mean it in a “you crazy person you could make about 5 sandwiches at home for the price I am going to charge you, get yourself to a grocery store stat!”. Let me do some maths here. You could go to Coles and get a loaf of bread for ave cost $3.64, about 100g of ham for ave cost $3.90, one cos lettuce $1.60, a cucumber $2.98, a spanish onion $1.00 and let’s say 3 tomatoes $1. That comes to a grand total of $14.12, now let us say there are about 18 slices of bread in one loaf? So I am going to calculate that with those ingredients you could get 9 ham and salad sandwiches, which costs out to $1.57 per sandwich if we add one cent or two to account for butter and maybe some mayo if you like that kind of thing.

So if we divide the $8 you are paying me to make your sandwich by $1.57 we get 5ish and that my friend means yes, you can indeed make yourself 5 ham and cheese sandwiches at home for the price you are paying my café, and most cafés to make you one instead.

I get it ok, some people are too busy to make their own sandwiches, maybe you ran out of bread, maybe you were late getting to the grocery store, maybe you just like paying exorbitant prices for things and they are all fine. Just don’t bitch at me that your sandwich costs $8 instead of $1.57 ok?

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Oh and by the way, fun fact, those prices are, of course, what the average person would pay at the grocery store, cafés and restaurants however, buy in bulk, and that would bring the cost of your sandwich down to some ridiculous price of less than 50c. Chew on that suckers :)